moments that matter

I got the starkest sense today of who I really am in the moments that matter. Those moments when you find who you are really. Times of great emotional peaks or when opportunities present themselves for you to be brave. Who am I in those moments? 

It’s not about who you think you are when you are full of adrenaline after leaving a Bourne movie. That feeling of I could if I had to. Just waiting moments worthy of greatness to present themselves. 

Today I found out. I proposed to my girlfriend. I’ve seen the movies. Every single one. I know how it’s supposed to happen. 

No one tells you that when you kneel you immediately find out the floor isn’t made for knees. If go down too hard you are basically just firing your knee at a hard surface like a cannonball. You’re going to have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. 

No one tells you there’s every chance your girlfriend may think you’re pretending and you may have to really spell it out. 

No one tells you that you may start going on and on about your ring choice because to worry over that is far less likely to make you completely break down than mentioning anything in anyway related to love or meaning or life or this other person sitting in front of you. 

No one tells you that on saying the words ‘will you marry me?’ your voice breaks and you begin to cry. 

The things you don’t get practise for are when you find out who you are. It turns outs I’m a blustering, blubbering mess. Thankfully she’s okay with that.